How to Have a Gay-Ass Threesome

And what to do if you’re not feeling included.

If there’s one sexual activity many gay and queer men love, it’s group sex, threesomes in particular. I am a threesome fanatic, an aficionado, if you will. I have had, and I’m not exaggerating, at least 300 threesomes in my life, probably closer to like 500. (There’s a reason my memoir is titled Boyslut.)

I love being the guest star (i.e., the third to an existing couple), but I also love finding and sharing a slutty little bottom (or Dom top) with my partner.

Personally, I can tell you that I feel more connected with my boyfriends (and girlfriends) when we have a threesome. There’s something about sharing a unique sexual experience with someone I care for that brings me closer to the man or woman I call my partner. (I’m bi, in case you couldn’t tell.)

When I’m spitroasing a dude, my dick in their mouth, my man’s dick in their booty, and I’m making eye contact with my boyfriend, conveying with my face—Wow, how awesome is this?—I’m on cloud nine.

But while threesomes are incredibly common in the gay community, in part, thanks to gay hookup and dating apps like Grindr that make it easier than ever to facilitate a threesome, they still aren’t necessarily intuitive. And by that, I mean, a lot can go wrong during a threesome—some big emotions can arise. So I want to help you navigate having a threesome, so you don’t feel left out (or accidentally leave out someone else).    

Of course, there will be moments when two people are connecting without you (or you are connecting with one person more than the other). While those instances are allowed, you still want to keep them to a minimum. If only the two of you want to have sex, then don’t bring in a third. It’s that simple. 

With that out of the way, here are some tips to keep everyone actively involved in the threesome.

Start in sexual positions that transition effortlessly to threesome positions. 

Some positions make it a lot easier to transition into threesomes. If you start in doggy style, you can easily add a third person, and voilà, you have a spit roast. Or there are some fun ways to transition from two to three people with cowgirl. Whereas if you’re in missionary position and kissing your partner, where does the third person go? (I mean, I can think of a few positions, but they’re not as intuitive and assume that everyone in the threesome is vers.)

Consider taking some erectile dysfunction medication. 

I am a massive fan of ED medication. I don’t typically use them when having one-on-one sex, as I usually don’t have a problem getting it up then, but if there’s more than one person or I’m performing in front of an audience, I take the little blue pill (or a sublingual). It’s just so frustrating to struggle to get or sustain an erection in the middle of a threesome. I want to be able to fuck. I don’t want to deal with my nerves and the “Do you think you’ll be able to get hard?” or “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it!” 

There are numerous online telehealth sites where you can obtain ED medication, including sites like Hims, Rugiet, and Ro. I’ve actually gotten meds from all of them, and it’s super easy to get them prescribed. You just fill out a little online survey; it takes all of five minutes. A doctor approves your request within 24 hours, and you receive the medication sent discreetly to your door within 72 hours.  

Obviously, ED meds aren’t for everyone, and if you have a heart condition, you may not be able to take them safely, but I’ll say, personally, they’re a lifesaver.

Don’t be a greedy little bottom (or bussy-hungry top).

I know this is obvious, but in the heat of the moment, we’re not thinking the most logically. Don’t be greedy! Sharing is caring. If you’re fucking someone for five minutes straight in missionary, take a goddamn break to let your partner join. Say, “I need a break; can ya swap in with me?” Or better yet, you can say, “Come here! I want to switch to a position with you in it.” 

Okay, now let’s now move on to the times you’re not feeling (as) included in a threesome. Here’s what you can do:

Find the proper distance apart from your partners.

When you’re physically very close to the two people having sex but not touching them, your presence is felt—and not in a good way. You want to create a little bit of physical space so they can have their moment, and they’re not in their heads trying to think of the best way to include you. 

This doesn’t mean you move to the other side of the bed; it just means you move far enough away to make it clear you are giving them space, physically and metaphorically, to have a moment.

Have a sex toy nearby and ready to go.

There’s something more active when using a sex toy. For example, when a guy has a male masturbator or is sitting on a dildo while watching, I know he’s okay not being as overtly included for a moment. 

You also feel like a more integral member of the scene when you’re using a sex toy, even though you’re not actually touching your partners.

Say, “Fuck, this is so hot. I want to watch you two for a moment.” 

Just say this! That way, it’s clear that you aren’t being pouty in the corner. It’s clear nothing is wrong. It’s hot to watch people have sex. Period! Why do you think we watch porn? And you’re getting a goddamn private show. Enjoy it. Not to mention it’s arousing knowing that you are being watched, so you’re amplifying your partner's exhibition pleasure by directly stating that you’re going to take a break and watch them.

In Cumclusion… 

While there will be times when you’re not as included in the threesome, it doesn’t have to be awkward. It’s only awkward if you make it awkward. So breathe and enjoy the show. When some time has passed, and you’re ready to get back involved, simply ask to join.